April 15th, 2015
3:30am - I wake up with uncomfortable pains in my stomach. At this point I've been getting random and annoying pains since Saturday. I really hope this is the real deal. I haven't slept in days and the day before at my prenatal appointment my midwife told me I was 3cm dilated; there's hope.
5:00am - I have yet to wake the hubby out. I'm still in denial that I'm in labour because even though I'm having contractions, they're all over the place. I'm breathing through them and to be honest they're really not that bad. The first time I gave birth it took me 30 hours to get to 4cm and I was practically dying until that point.
5:45am - Playing solitaire for the last 2 hours apparently wakes a person up eventually. The hubby is up and I've let him know I'm in labour. He's asking me if we should go to the hospital and I say no and that it's still pretty early.
8:00am - Somehow I managed to get some sleep. I wake up pretty pissed off though because my contractions are almost non existent. Looks like I need to sexually assault my hubs. He doesn't seem to complain (obviously).
9:30am - I'm dead to the world. Im exhausted and the contractions are back. Not any stronger but more frequent. I text my doula. She texts back the usual "rest, eat, let me know if they get closer and stronger." Ya ya ya. I figure I might as well start walking around to get something going...so I lay in bed playing bingo for the next 2 hours.
12:00pm - Hubby and I talk about if he should go to work. What if he leaves and all of a sudden my water breaks and I have a super fast labour? A woman in my birth club had to have her husband catch the baby because it happened so fast. Another woman delivered her baby in the car!!! Don't worry, I wouldn't be so lucky. Hubby goes to work and I decide that maybe I should pay attention to my other child. It doesn't go well because you know, I'm in labour and in quite a decent amount of pain. I have lunch with her but then I hand her off to the nanny again because that's what housewives do. I go and get my hair and makeup done and do an interview about the latest episode of my reality show I just filmed. I'm kidding. We're not the Kardashians. But I do have a nanny, and for that, I am eternally grateful, especially on this day when my uterus is literally having a full blown war with my placenta.
1:30pm - At this point I have to actually breathe deep through the pain. I start sweating every time I have a contraction and I'm not sure if it's because the heat in our house is still set to 24C or because I'm actually in a lot of pain.
3:30pm - I tell the hubby that it's time to come home. This is no joke. Shit is getting real and I'm not sure if I can handle this alone anymore. I'm starting to get nervous because I'm anticipating what is going to happen next. Will my water break soon? Will the pain get worse and closer together soon? I'm not ready. The laundry isn't done.
5:00pm - I tell my doula that it's serious now. I'm in tons of pain. I'm going to go for a walk with the hubs and see what happens.
6:00pm - Not good. Not good. Not good. The walk was short but I thought I was going to cry through the contractions I had while walking. They're 5 min apart and I'm starting to get scared. I'm scared of my own body. I'm scared of the shit storm brewing inside of me. I tell my doula and she says to call my midwife. I tell my midwife what's going on and she tells me she's going to come check me. Since my goal is to deliver at the hospital, she wants to check me now instead of 1am (understandably).
7:00pm (ish?) - My midwife tells me I'm 6cm and that we should go to the hospital now. Again, for some reason, I feel like I'm not ready. Do we have everything? We should bring a pillow. We finally make our way into the car and have an obligatory stressed out argument. It's over the garage door opener. Hubby asks me to close the garage and I tell him to go fuck himself. I'm in labour, jesus christ. Swearing at him was probably unnecessary and he's kind of pissed because I'm being a psycho for no reason. Luckily, he's actually a sweetheart and holds my hand the entire way to the hospital. Good thing because I have 4 super strong contractions and the last one sends me over the edge. I have my first mental breakdown and start crying. So of course he starts crying.
See, the thing is, when someone you love is scared and in a lot of pain, you get scared too. He wants to help me, but of course he can't.
8:00pm - We're in the hospital room at this point. The contractions are strong. I'm moaning through them like all the women you see in all of those weird birthing videos that you've watched for whatever reason. But seriously, why have you been watching birthing videos????
9:00pm - The room now has the hubby, two midwives, a midwifery student, and one of my best friends. I can't believe she actually came to watch this. I figure she'll probably want to sew her vagina shut after this. I get checked and I'm only 7cm. My water hasn't broken and they decide that it's time to break it. Cue second mental breakdown. - For the record I have 3 mental breakdowns - I start crying because I know that once my water breaks things are going to change...for the worse. My friend, K, assures me that it'll go super fast once my water breaks and I'll get to meet my princess soon. Too bad she doesn't know how stubborn my cervix is. Then again, no one could have predicted what was about to happen to my body, more importantly, what was about to come out of my mouth.
Maybe 10:00pm? Maybe this isn't real life... - I can't breathe. Holy shit. I'm not ok. NOTHING IS HELPING THESE CONTRACTIONS. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME RIGHT NOW? What did I do to deserve this...My contractions are about 3 min apart. I think. Maybe they've never gone away. Maybe this is just one giant contraction. Maybe this is how I'm going to die...
Sometime around 11:00pm - I'm in the shower screaming bloody murder. No, like, I'm screaming. I can't get past 9.5 cm dilated. My midwife has attempted to move my cervix out of the way once already and it didn't work. I've had to push for the last hour and all I can think about is how my hemmorhoids (oh ya ladies, those happen) are going to be insane because my ass has been on fire this whole time. The urge to push feels like you have to take a massive shit, so basically use your imagination...or don't. I'm now in a down spin of emotion. The things coming out of my mouth include "PLEASE HELP ME!!!!", "GET HER OUT OF ME!!!", "WHY IS NO ONE HELPING ME???". Everyone begins to assure me that this baby is coming. I'm not so sure. "YOU'RE ALL LIARS!!! YOU KEEP SAYING SHE'S COMING AND SHE'S NOT!!!". I've become a little insane at this point. "INAUDIBLE SCREAMING!!!". Apparently a nurse had come in to ask if everything was ok. Probably because I've scared everyone on the floor. Somehow she heard me and I'm in room 21, which is about 100 feet away from the nurse's station, maybe more. Somehow...Did I mention I'm completely naked on all fours screaming all of these things at everyone? It's super cute, I wish someone took a picture.
11:36pm (I would assume) - The midwife decides it's time. They're going to push the last bit of my cervix out of the way and I'm going to push this baby out. This was by far the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. I saw the white light. I thought I was going to die.
Just imagine being in the worst pain of your life and someone shoves their hand inside of you and starts moving shit around in there. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!
11:37pm - I bear down. It's fucking time. If I don't do this now, I will die. I mean probably not, but according to K, she thought my head was about to start spinning like the exorcist. I give two really strong pushes...
11:38pm - My midwife asks if I want to feel the head, I say no, K tells me to smarten up and that I actually do want to feel the head coming out of me, she's right. I touch my baby's head, it's all the way out. It's happening! One more push...POP, the shoulder comes out and then...BAM!!! Baby is on top of me. I pushed for exactly one minute. I pushed her out so fast her face is covered in red dots because her capillaries (or whatever) popped with the force of my uterus squeezing her out. I'm happy. Wait what? I'm happy!! It's over! I did it. Oh. My. God. I did it!!! Drug free, just like I wanted. I did it. She's so small. She's definitely smaller than my first baby. She smells so good. Am I crying? What day is it? Who won the baby pool? Am I ok? Who is all here? What do we name her?
I did it...
I won't lie. I really didn't think I could do it for a bit there. I kept saying I couldn't and then I started thinking it. The mind is a powerful thing. I made it to 7cm all by myself without screaming because I knew I could do it. I knew my body was made for this and that I owed it to my mother and her mother and her mother before her to do this. There is not shame in taking pain meds while in labour, but I'll tell you, there is something so satisfactory doing it on your own. Not to say it was all completely on my own. I could cry right now thinking about how amazing my support team was. My doula is an absolute angel who held my hands and sat in that shower with me while I cried. K is a friend who I've only grown closer with due to this experience. I'm so glad she got to be a part of this. I don't remember much, but I remember that she was there. She put wet cloths on my head. I heard her voice encouraging me and for that, I will always be thankful to her for. My midwives are amazing women. They're the definition of empowerment and I'm so glad that they chose the profession they did. My hubby...as much as he drives me insane and we argue and we dual...he is my rock. He is one of the strongest human beings I've ever met in my life and he was there right beside me through it all. He was the first person I looked to for help and he never let me down. I owe him so much. He is half of my children and has become my other half over the time we've been together. I don't define myself as a human being and woman by who I am with, but if I did, he would be the only definition I needed.
Birthing a child is hard. It doesn't matter how you do it, it's hard. There is so much pain after, but, so much love and happiness too. Being a mom is the greatest thing I've done in my life. I have grown as person because of my children. I am stronger, more humble, and in general, just better because I am a mom. I wouldn't trade each of my birth stories for anything. All the pain, all the blood, sweat, and tears, all of it, was so so so worth it.
