The Lazy mom post...(the stay at home mom reality)

   Well, here it is ladies and gentlemen...the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God. Being a mom, takes some serious laziness. What's that you say? Blasphemy?!?! No no no, you understood me all wrong. Being a mom is exhausting and thankless, but it also takes a special kind of person to raise a child and also put laundry off for 5 days. I never realized how lazy I would all of a sudden become until I pushed a baby out of my vagina. I know what you're thinking though. You're thinking, "no, you're not lazy, you're just tired". I mean, ya,  I'm fucking dying over here trying to survive on coffee and leftover oatmeal from my kid's breakfast, but that isn't the reason I'm lazy. Plain and simple, I just DON'T GIVE A FUCK. But seriously, I don't. I look around me right now and my dog is laying beside me in a position that can only be described as acrobatic. There is so much shit (not real shit, although it wouldn't surprise me) all over my bedroom floor that the poor guy has to maneuver his body around to lay down. By the way, that's how much of a wench I am that he knows not to lay on top of the dirty clothes because you know, it pisses me off. Which reminds me, after I give birth, I should really ask my doctor to prescribe me something to keep me from being such a miserable cow...fucking dog smells so bad. I digress...

   Currently, my kitchen smells like the scallops I cooked (burned) last night. The dishes are poking out of the sink as if to remind me that the dishwasher is empty and that I'm a lazy piece of shit. The living room floor is covered in dog hair and toys and my daughter's room has clothes everywhere. For the record, I've been trying to organize her room for two weeks now but she's kind of an asshole and won't let me. I used to, and still do sometimes, get serious anxiety over going to bed knowing my house is messy. Now I just push the clothes off of my bed and pull the covers over my eyes and pretend that a magical fairy is going to come clean up my house in the middle of the night. I've even gone as far as to schedule what parts of the house I'll clean on certain days. Every time I do this though, a little piece of me just dies. I know that I could write down "clean master bedroom" as much as I want and that even when I finally do clean it, the next week, my calendar is once again going to have that same thing written down on any given day. 

   Women spend the majority of their pregnancies agonizing over every little detail about what it will be like once the baby is here. "I'm going to feed my child only organic food" a delusional mom might say. Or, "my house will never be cluttered in toys because I'll be able to entertain my child without the use of props and television" an even more delusional and border line psychotic mom would say. The truth is, once the baby comes, every plan, every decision, every idea of motherhood you ever had, flies out the window. Even the most organized person will find themselves winging it from time to time (if you don't, you seriously need to take a pill and calm the fuck down). There are no schedules or rules when  it comes to children. Some days I can do do the dishes in peace because my little angel is playing with her dollhouse in the living room. Then there's other days that I can't even pee because my child is practicing for her audition for Jackass. But it doesn't matter, because dishes done or not, she's still having a blast. This is why being a lazy mom is the better way to go; trust me ladies!!!

   I love that I'm a lazy mom. It means that I put my child's well being ahead of the stupid dishes, and laundry, and toilets, and oh my god the dog shit in the backyard...I don't need to have a pristine house every day of my life. I don't care anymore, I just don't. The simple energy it would take to even care is not worth it. I don't feel guilty anymore either. I used to feel like such a failure for not keeping the house in order, and myself in order, and bla bla bla bla bla. But I don't anymore. So what if my dishes sit in the sink for two days? So what if I haven't vacuumed in a week? And so fucking what if my dog can't find anywhere to lay down because I've been "organizing" my bedroom for the last three months. My child is fed, and healthy, and happy, and I am surprisingly a little bit more rested than usual. 

  If you come to my house and my cleaning lady hasn't been around for a while, expect a mess. Expect food, juice, and dog hair to be some of the few things you may encounter on the floor. Expect that there will be piles of laundry that aren't put away because ain't nobody got time for that! Expect that my child is exploring the world around her and creating a story in her mind with the 26 stuffed animals that are sprawled on the floor. Expect that I will be sitting back enjoying my 18th coffee and doing absolutely nothing other than watching my child grow. I will be taking in the beauty of my surroundings. That dirty floor is covered in the food that I barely got my child to eat, but guess what, she finally ate some fruit for the first time in two weeks. Those dishes are there because the hubby didn't do them, and that's ok, because instead of doing dishes we spent some quality time together. The piles of clothes are easy to put away, but they also make me sad. Part of me just doesn't want to put them in a bin and say goodbye because that would mean I would have to accept that my daughter has once again outgrown her clothes and that she is growing faster than I can handle. I may be a lazy mom and you may think that I do nothing every day while I'm at home, but in reality, I do so much more than you could every imagine. I think by now you've figured out that the word "lazy" isn't the right word to describe a stay at home mom, or any mom for that matter. I hope you have read this and understood that when you call a mom lazy and her house is a mess and her hair isn't brushed, you are so wrong. But it doesn't matter. I will be proud to be a lazy mom any day of the week until the day I die if it means I get to spend just one extra minute a day with my baby instead of vacuuming the stupid house. Lazy moms unite!!!