The Weight Thing...


   It's really complicated actually. I have 2 female children and I am a feminist in every sense of the word. However, I find myself grabbing my stomach and thighs and being extremely critical of myself, in front of my daughters. As I write this, my oldest is resting on my shoulder (repeating the word "twinkle" over and over again, ugh) and her hand is on my belly. My soft and squishy belly. She doesn't care what I look like or if I lose weight. She doesn't think any less of me because my pre pregannacy body is long gone. My youngest is just staring at my tits completely unaware that my face even exists. Yet, I still can't help but feel self concious. I know it's insane. I know I'm being way too hard on myself and in the grand scheme of things, I look pretty decent for having a baby 3 months ago. I know that while I breastfeed, my body won't lose that extra belly fat. I know that dieting and exercsing too much this soon after I gave birth is not ideal. I KNOW that it doesn't matter what I look like as long as I'm healthy. I KNOW ALL OF THESE THINGS!!...So why can't I just accept the way I look with pride?

   I gained 30lbs during my first pregnacy. We went to Mexico 5 months after I had my first daughter and I looked pretty good. I was never down to my pre pregnancy weight and shape before I got pregnant again but I didn't think anything of it. I felt so confident in my bikini in Mexico. Like "LOOK AT ME WORLD!! I BIRTHED A HUMAN BEING! CHECK OUT MY BATTLE SCARS!!!". I felt sexy. I felt good. I figured that because I was (am?) an athlete, the weight would come off after my second pregnancy no problem. And then when I puked for 8 months straight, I thought to myself that "at least I'm not gaining any weight!". Looking back, I realize how crazy those thoughts were. I guess I was trying to find a silver lining in an otherwise exhausting and debilitating situation. I hate admitting it, but I was actually kind of excited that I didn't show until late into month five. I hated being sick, but I loved being small. I was even more excited that I hadn't gained any weight until month 9. I knew baby was fine and that's all that mattered, but did you see how small I was? The compliments about how great I looked and how petite I was while that pregnant were pretty flattering. It's awful really, thoughts like that. It's thoughts like that that have me feeling the way I do now...

   I work out twice a week. I try and eat healthy but I also love to snack. These things have never been a problem for me in the past. I've always been able to lose weight pretty quick. Except, now I can't. I don't know what happens to your body after baby #2, but it's as if it decides that it's just going to hold on to whatever fat you have. Kind of like a "you keep getting pregnant woman, I'm just going to wait for the next baby so there's not point in getting smaller". It's hard. It's fucking depressing. I hate the way I feel and I hate that I feel that way. I am a logical person and I am proud of why my body looks this way, but I just can't get over it. I go into a spiral of self pity and self loathing every time I have a cookie or more than one coffee. I have nightmares about not fitting into my wedding dress next summer and looking awful in it. I feel guilty for thinking these things because I have two beautiful daughters. I want them to always feel comfortable in their own bodies and be confident no matter what shape they're in.

   It's weird really. I look at other moms, my friends. I think they're all so stunning even though they claim they have 20lbs to lose. I look at pictures of their bodies before kids and after and I think about how much more beautiful they are now that they have had children. Ya, maybe they're bigger than they were before, but to me they're perfect. I don't see weight or stretch marks, deflated breasts or bags under their eyes. I don't see unwashed hair and spit up on their shirts; I see amazing mothers who are the most glorious human beings I could ever be around. Yet, I don't see those things in myself.

  I think I'm learning from this. I definitely see the problem and I know it's me. I'm working on it, I am. Im trying my hardest to just accept that it's ok if I never have a flat stomach again. It's ok if my arms are flabby and my one boob is bigger than the other. It's okay if I don't manage to look put together EVERY SINGLE TIME I leave the house. And it's definitely okay to see myself in the mirror and wish I looked different.

   To all the moms out there who have managed to get back into shape after having kids, good for you. I think you're amazing and a hard worker and I look up to you. And to all the moms that feel the way I do right now, we're amazing too. Maybe we'll get there one day, and maybe we wont. But it's okay to feel this way. Being a woman, a mother, is a strange thing. We're champions for each other, but hardest on ourselves.

   I promise to work on my self confidence if you do.